If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
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Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn鈥檛. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they鈥檙e leaving?
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
CAT 911: what鈥檚 the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it鈥檚 definitely a bird
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we鈥檙e watching Pet Cemetery.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse鈥檚 office she now has a medical degree.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
*bites zombie*
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 馃憣
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Found my door mat
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I鈥檓 ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can鈥檛 find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow