I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
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(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.