“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
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Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.