*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
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“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
New Tinder profile.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
There’s no “u” in narcissist