Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
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A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL