Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
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My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
*orders delivery*
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Breaking news:
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.