*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
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I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
concern
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.