The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
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this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.