[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
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If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Lmfaoooooo
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Hamburger Hinderer.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee