Playdough smells better than other philosophers
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Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
they really do be looking like this
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”