How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
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Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.