Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
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*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this