Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
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Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
鈥揗oms
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
I鈥檓 starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it鈥檚 healthy
Scientists: 鈥o
Me: are you sure it鈥檚 food
Scientists: 鈥o
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father鈥檚 name
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 馃槀馃槀
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I鈥檒l be able to afford that vacation to the Outback鈥teakhouse that is.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.