BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
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Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)