Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
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T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.