I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
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Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.