damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
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Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
only 11 steps left
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.