7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
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Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
pep talk
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.