Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
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Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me