The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
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Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
under no circumstances will my brother take the L