in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
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“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.