Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
You Might Also Like
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
SF is the wild wild west man
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?