Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
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Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.