Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
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How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Message from the dog groomers
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease