If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
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Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Why I divorced her.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.