If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
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if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
My favorite female superhero
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”