[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
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Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!