Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
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Breaking news:
nice challenge
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what