Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
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My dad is at it again
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.