I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
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“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Found the job I’m suited for
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
@funTweeters
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?