A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
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Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
A drum solo but on your face.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
That took me a moment.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”