Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
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Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
🐕🍷
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.