WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
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You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Perfect.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.