It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
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My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”