[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
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OMG 🤣🤣
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.