sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
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I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”