you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
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oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
thanksgiving in nutshell
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Doctors texting each other.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.