You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
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Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.