Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
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Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
look at me when i’m typing to you
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
True statement👍😏😁
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.