Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
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5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Wait a second…
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.