An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
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Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Bloody internet 😳
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???