No way!
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My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I like it when it鈥檚 raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can鈥檛 wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 馃槀馃槀馃槀
Therapist: And what do we do when we鈥檙e sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald鈥檚 and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING