This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
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She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent