I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
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Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
My background check bounced.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares