“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
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I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet