I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
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Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”