My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
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Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
#NeverForget
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Meow
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.