We need to put an American base on the sun
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I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.