SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
You Might Also Like
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
#TopTip
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.