When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
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Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
happy mother’s day❤️
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue